The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

Storytelling is an art. I love the way this story unraveled, and how everything that happened (no matter how astonishing) seems so natural, as if it was all just... a part of life, while the most unnatural thing - growing younger while aging - is played out in front of our eyes. Some people probably don't like this aspect of the film - the lack of emotional depth of Benjamin's character (when his mama dies or when he leaves Daisy).  But for me, I saw it as him just accepting these events as his life and there wasn't anything he could've done to change the circumstances. He didn't try to play the hero and that was comforting. Benjamin took life as it was, and lived it. He never demanded or thought he deserved more or less. He took each day as it came and made the most of what he had. He took risks and adventures. I loved that about his character. And I absolutely adored Queenie's character. She was a gem.  This movie actually reminds me of Big Fish (2003) by Tim Burton, another one of my favorites.

There are some amazing lines in this film. I've put my favorites. 

This made me laugh the most:

Daisy to Benjamin - "sugar, we all end up in diapers." 

because I really do think that I will end up in diapers in my old age, and Lord bless the person, probably my husband or children, who takes care of me.

perspective check:

Benjamin - "you can be mad as a mad dawg at the way things wents... you can

swear, curse the fates, regret every'ting you ever dids... but when it

comes to the end... you have to lets go..."

yearning for somethin never to be had again:

In response to the comment about the clock running backwards,
Mr. Gataeu replies - "I made it this way... so that perhaps, the boys who were lost in

the war might stand and go home again...

home to farm, to work, have children, to live long, full lives...

Perhaps my own son might come home again..."

on change:

Benjamin - "it's a funny thing about comin' home.

looks the same, smells the same, feels the same.

you'll realize what's changed... is you"

and i also loved this movie because... erm, how do i say this?
Brad Pitt is too daaamn fine. 

the glimpse

Spent the past 24 hours with leadership team of the church in Elgin, at i-teams. We've been there three times already this quarter! It's literally our second home.

refreshing - like a warm steamy shower after a stressful day of classes or clinic, or a perfect cool glass of mojito, or the feeling after you brush your teeth with a super minty toothpaste

reoriented - like when you get out of a subway station and you don't know which way's north, south, east or west but someone just points you the right way

Two things that struck me at this summit:

1) History

The history of our church - HMCC of Chicago - needs to be passed down to the next generation (younger members). Psalm 145:4 - One generation commends your works to another; they tell of your mighty acts. God is writing a unique story in our church and working in a unique way. And it'll be important that we don't forget our roots and even the things God had done in the beginning years, especially the lessons he's taught us. This is so that the younger members can praise God & not make the same mistakes. "...so the next generation would know them, even the children yet to be born, and they in turn would tell their children. Then they would put their trust in God and would not forget his deeds but would keep his commands" - Psalm 78

Related to this is also knowing the history of the Church as Christians. It is important to know how the Church has evolved, since it's beginnings - when it was called The Way - back in Jerusalem to where it is now, with the many denominations. It is pretty cool to see how each group has contributed something to the faith. And it's important to not just see the negative side - like crusades, legalism, church & state, etc - because even through the darkest moments, God worked and wrote that into the history of his imperfect bride, the church. As we know our roots and history, we can better sense how God is moving today.

2) Holiness

Second thing - Even though God gives us a glimpse of what is to come, it does not guarantee that we will fully see it one day. This to me is a scary thought. Because even if we desire to see it, it may not happen. Look to the example of one of the most humble man to ever walk the earth, Moses: Moses saw a glimpse of the promised land, but he was not able to enter it - due to disobedience! disobedience. And how much do I disobey! As God is preparing me (our church), I realize I can't live the same-old way all the time. Pet sins have to go. Sin has to become my enemy and not my secret lover, that's the power of the cross - because it allows that change to happen in me, when nothing in me desires it.

God wants greater holiness. Hebrews 12:14 - ...without holiness no one will see the Lord. Scripture says no one will see the Lord without holiness. I know holiness is not something that I strive for or even is on the top of my mind. Actually, holiness sometimes is not seen in a "positive" light because it's associated to some hypocritical/fake/holier-than-thou sort of practice. But as I see older men & women who have walked with the Lord, and who exemplify great faith (like Uncle George Chavannikamanil, Dr. Timothy Tennent, Pastor M & MJ, etc), I can see that they strive to live a life that is holy. And it is so refreshing to see their example, it gives me such hope! Peter 1:16 - for it is written "be holy as I am holy". And so, even when I prayed about growing in my faith earlier this year, God gave me the words holy and set apart. I was reminded of that this weekend. He gave me the word & He will work in my heart as I submit myself to him. He will be the one pruning away the things in my life that don't bear fruit. Even just this past quarter, he's revealed the ugliness of my heart - insecurity, identity, laziness, discontent, and lack of love. This is part of the process of being refined I think, as I ask God to change my heart.

a song that will never grow old:

create in me a clean heart, o God

and renew a right spirit within me

cast me not away

from thy presence o Lord

and take not, thy Holy Spirit from me

restore unto me

the joy of salvation

and renew a right spirit within me

I am super excited that I'm on break now. Many reflections that were needed, but were put on the shelf for a time like now. There were also many books that I've been wanting to read, although I wouldn't be too sad if I didn't get to all of them. Just gotta finish Knowing God, Death by Love, & Religion saves and nine other misconceptions. Prayer, fasting, and resting time scheduled in too of course :)

Goood niight!

Baby It's Cold Outside

Baby it's cold outside - cover by joseph vincent & an le

Just a dream - cover by jason chen & joseph vincent

Breakeven - amazing cover by maddi jane (she's 11!)

Everything - michael buble

The First Snow Marks the End and the Beginning

Woke up Saturday morning to glistening tree branches and glistening streets. I was overjoyed to see the snow! It was so bright. Light shone everywhere, reflecting off the snow. Reminded me of purity, holiness... I don't know what it was exactly, but something about light, gave me a sense of peace like no other.

This quarter is coming to an end - I don't think there's ever been a quarter that went by as fast as this one. It was literally a blur. When I try to think of my life these past few months, there's nothing solid for me to point to that can sum up my life. Perhaps that, in itself, sums it up. I felt pulled in so many directions and had to pour a lot of energy into so many things that at the end of each day/week, I was pretty drained. But through it all, God pulled me through. He gave me a supernatural strength when I was at the end of my own strength. He showed me that to go the second mile, requires His grace. The first mile may be accomplished out of my own strength if I tried, but the second mile can only be done through His power. And that's the truth, there's nothing in me that made me able to do all that I did this past few months... and definitely, I made mistakes and failed several times (with my professors, supervisors, life group members, pj, friends, and family)... I'm so thankful that God is a gracious God.

There were definitely moments throughout the quarter that are worth highlighting.

city life: going to downtown site wed nights & helping set up there

ministry teams retreat: going deeper this year, not wider.

new student week: hanging out at new student week events, kaleidescope, meeting new people

OCR: buying breakfast every morning, flyering/attempting to chalk over campus - failed. our hearts were not as big as we thought they were. "For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the faith God has distributed to each of you" - romans 12:3.

clinic: learned/realized that I do NOT like working at the JBVA hospital, gained perspective on what the next ten years of my life could look like if i followed the patterns of this world, but fighting to be transformed by the renewing of my mind thro

ugh Christ - romans 12:2

research: started with no idea what our proj would look like in Sept to being ready to test subjects and collect data! amazing progress.

classes: not slacking (as much) this year in my school work which means taking more time and effort to work on school stuff, part of growing mature, seeing that there's no dichotomy in my life, col 3:23-24 "whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving".

sisters: God's been working in Teresa's life & Chrissy's life in amazing ways, I'm so blessed that they're my sisters. still praying for them and our relationships with each other.

helen: my steadfast roommate. so thankful for her.

sandy/ed's wedding: so chill, yet so classy. i actually made my own dress! with velvet like i imagined it would be made out of. i had planned to do this since early sept, but didn't think i'd actually be able to do it. felt quite accomplished ;) and the dress looked good.

-- insert picture of dress... for Diana :) --- it was literally cloth wrapped around me, sewed one seam, and tied up the top on one shoulder; i really think the velvet-y type of material made it look much better than it really was

vision sunday: 20/20 vision for HMCC ; seeing God's vision for the church and even my life, possibilities greater than i could imagine. inspiring stuff.

undergrad retreat: powerful night of singing praises to our heavenly father, giving Him the glory, 1st time ever, i felt the JOY of worship. i caught a glimpse of what it meant when it says that God inhabits the praises of his people. ("yet you are holy, enthroned on the praises of Israel" - psalm 22:3)

ET planning at i-teams: talkin & prayin about discipleship for our church and out of it was birthed a new way to do dship this year. exciting stuff. course, it's not a perfect plan but at least moving in a better direction

discipleship mtg: lamenting for our members, sowing in tears, not necessarily hard work, the deeper the lament, the greater the joy (psalm 126).

re-redeemed: when we met one last time for a 'pre-lifegroup' grieving and praying session. "we didn't divide, we multipled" quoting hong. i love every one of you guys.

word life group:

First LG in plex: we played a silly game where we tried to guess who told the truth. :)

when we shared as just girls - it was a powerful moment when we prayed for each other.

H-games: we managed to place last, and proud of it, yeeeeaaaaaaaahh. and also, planning & coming up with the games for h-games with helen & josh = fun times :)

Bonnie accepting Christ: 'nuf said.

Sharing about missions week: i will not forget the honesty and sincerity that could be felt as we shared, only by His spirit.

Praying with Amy: powerful time as south campus coming together to support our sister, living out biblical community, as one part suffers, all suffer, as one part is honored, all are honored - 1 cor 12:25-27

Thanksgiving dinner outreach: super crazy cooking on Sunday after Sunday Celebration. two turkeys at my place and the kitchen sinks weren't clogged!!! i was so blessed! God brought so many people (80+)... AMAZING because we hadn't had much time to spread the word cause of missions week. it was an awesome way to end missions week - by livin' it out. word.

amp the word party - fun stuff. silly apples to apples. intense mafia that almost brought division to our LG! (jus kiddin). "i want a beer!" - tim lin (in the context of Bang! of course ;] )

thanksgiving weekend: met a new friend, lillian - i can feel an amazing friendship developing

missions week/crazy school week: --- will update this later

Am so happy that God moves and works and is ALIVE today! He is awesome for sustaining me & allowing me to witness/participate in so many awesome things. Still, I am ready to be done with this quarter. I know I need rest and solitude time with Jesus. I can't wait til next week when all dies down :). Christmas is coming soon - I love Christmas time.

... back to writing my paper?

L'amour: Qu'est-ce que c'est?

In this season of singleness in my life, I'm finding it hard to keep focused on what God has called me to right now. I've let me thoughts wander into worlds of "what-ifs" this past week. I'm a dreamer - I can sit for hours.... daydreaming. It's not healthy, because my emotions get caught up in these daydreams as well. I desperately need Him to take captive every thought that I have, so that even in my thoughts, I'd submit to God. What a war it is that wages inside of me! the battle between the flesh and the spirit.

Show me God how to be completely satisfied in you. Strip everything away in my life that I try to find my significance and value in - so they don't become idols or build up my pride. Help me to know that I do not need approval from any man, but that my value comes from who you say I am. And you say I'm your precious daughter, a daughter of the Most High King, and loved beyond anything I can imagine. So let me live like it. I want to live, act, make choices that reflect this truth. Don't let me just know it in my head, but let me know it in my heart, so that I can be free.

I don't want to be deceived by what the movies say "love" should look like. Guard my heart with your truth God. A good marriage takes strong commitment, a lot of giving, and a lot of selflessness. I wish there was a movie that reflected this. All my favorite disney princess stories end on the wedding day. But isn't the beauty of a marriage in the years that follow? In the commitment that two people show to each other? With each year, the uber specialness that's between the man and the woman grows. I guess it's akin to aged wine?

Father, help me wait and not rush. What is a few years... even 10 years that I'm supposed to wait now? Compared to the 30 or 40 years that I'll have with my husband? Exactly. Perspective check! "Do not arouse love until it so desires". I'm learning patience as I wait upon you. I know you're still refining me and healing me - so that my baggage will not carry over from one stage to the next of my life, but I can move forward in freedom. When that day comes, it'll be beautiful. Hmmm, when I think of a beautiful marriage, I think of Billy & Ruth Graham.

Love does not envy and it does not boast.

Make every EFFORT... eph 4.

When a group is united, God can accomplish much through them.

But when there's disunity, nothing gets accomplished.

Help us God to have the same heart, mind and spirit!

Break down our pride Lord! for when we think of ourselves more highly than we really are, we are deceiving ourselves. I pray you would unfold our blinded eyes so we may be able to repent of our pride and receive your healing.

Church of Rhythm - One Breath

just the other day in the car, i remembered this song.

i used to listen to this song on repeat, non-stop, in high school. it's been years since i've listened to it. i'm going to post it here so i don't forget. this song got me through a lot. i love the chorus "take one breath let it out, you take another and maybe somehow, everything will work out to be just fine, we take life, five minutes at a time"

Living in the Present

As I was driving to Warrenville, IL (and it was a long drive), I finally had the time to just think (and also belt as loud as I can to Christian radio). Since I knew it was a long drive, I stopped by McDonalds :) for a McFlurry and a small Coke. The small Coke reminded me of getting Coke in Hong Kong back in Dec. I ordered the small Coke and what I got back was not small... it was teeny tiny. The HK med = US small. I hadn't had a McFlurry, Oreo flavored of course, in a very long time. It was way too delicious. So delicious that I thought about how there probably will never be another time in my life when I can get like this -- McFlurry and Coke @8:30 PM for "supper". Which led me to think of all the things I ate today. Today was a long. very long. day. It is the day of two of my friends' birthdays. It is also the day I presented my first grand rounds case (I chose Alport's Syndrome). I woke up at 6:15 AM, got ready to go to school, gave my presentation at 7:10 AM... and the rest was filled with classes until 1 PM, when I met with my summer LCG (which has been a pleasant blessing, week to week, if there's anything I can count on, it's our accountability - I didn't think the constancy would be so refreshing... but it is!) And at 3 Pm, more class. Oh, I was going to write about what I ate. So waking up at such early hours, I didn't eat breakfast. For lunch, I had a chai latte and mozzerella, tomato, basil baguette sandwich. Then for afternoon snack, I drank a superberry Odwalla smoothie. For a pre-dinner snack, I ate blueberries. And that led to the McFlurry and coke. Everything I ate was very yummy today. Disclaimer: I do not eat like this everyday. I do actually eat healthy. Um let's see, I had rice, spinach, tomatoes and beef the other night. And usually, I just drink water or milk tea. haha mostly just milk tea. This post seems like a stream of consciousness... My whole day kind of felt like that. I think my brain needed to unwind, a lot, from the stress I accumulated in preparing for my grand rounds this morning. And in the end, it turned out fine. just fine because my prof came up to me afterwards and said, 'very professionally done'. I was over-stressed (though most of the time, I am quite calm and steady). OH! And that reminds me of Tuesday night, when I was done with class, the first thought I had was "Yes!, I don't have lifegroup tonight, so I can spend it all doing my work." I was so excited on my walk back home, making a mental to-do list, when God brings a divine appointment - I bump into someone on my way home, which changed all the plans that I had. And so my night of work, turned into a yummy chat over cheese and bread, then dinner and a movie (pride and prejudice) with this friend. The funny thing was that I had been wanting to have dinner with her. Hah but I guess timing is important. God's timing is perfect. It was a gentle rebuke from God, 'you may not have lifegroup, but ministry never stops' :) It's amazing when the love of God is so tangible. and yet, at the same time, I can so easily forget. So now, I'm at Hilton, in Lisle/Warrenville/Naperville. Though it is a camp and I'm here to learn - I am so thankful for this break. To me, it's a retreat, a time to just rest, a time away from Evanston. Apparently, the hotel was very booked, so my roommate and I were placed on the "club access only" floor... sweeeeetness ^___^. I get a huge bed to myself. I am going to enjoy every moment of these next two nights. Ok, I must be off to shower (mmMm smelling clean) and then to bed. The day will start at 6:30 AM tomorrow. Psalm 118:24 This is the day that the Lord has made. Let us rejoice and be glad in it.

Movies

Inception

Salt

500 Days of Summer

Burma VJ

Amreeka

Nobody Knows

---
Pride and Prejudice

---
Definitely Maybe

Contentment

This past week the missions team girls stayed at my place. It was super loud and crazy everyday with so many people in the house. But it was such a blessing. As I saw them serve diligently each day, it made me want to serve God. It made me miss being on missions.... Not only miss it, but I started wishing that I was on missions rather than in school right now.

It may have seemed like a harmless wish... but God rebuked me. By wishing I was doing something else, I was indirectly complaining and grumbling about my current situation. As I wished I was doing something else, I was taking my eyes off the things I was called to for this summer. God was asking... "what about the things I've given to you for this season in your life?" So I prayed and asked God to focus my eyes on Him, help me be content with the things on my plate now rather than wishing for something else. =)

It's similar to something else I learned recently. That I should be living in the Present - focused on the Present - not dwelling on the Past or worried about the Future. God showed this to me as I was reading C.S. Lewis' Screwtape Letters...

"The humans live in time but our Enemy destines them to eternity. He therefore, I believe, wants them to attend chiefly to two things, to eternity itself, and to that point of time which they call the Present. For the Present is the point at which time touches eternity...

Our business is to get them away from the eternal, and from the Present. With this in view, we sometimes tempt a human (say a widow or a scholar) to live in the Past. But this is of limited value, for they have some real knowledge of the past and it has a determinate nature and, to that extent, resembles eternity. It is far better to make them live in the Future. Biological necessity makes all their passions point in that direction already, so that thought about the Future inflames hope and fear. Also, it is unknown to them, so that in making them think about it we make them think of unrealities. In a word, the Future is, of all things, the thing least like eternity"

I need to remember that all my thoughts about the future are UNREALITIES.

---

On a side note, wikiName says Louisa means "fights with honor" and "renowned fighter".

Yes. I'm a fighter.

God help me to keep fighting.

I just read something from the book "how people change" today and it says

- A true Christian is one who has not only peace of conscience, but war within -

Quarter-life Crisis

I have lived 23 years of my life and life is already getting mundane. Nothing is really new - everything is the same old. I was cleaning out my closet, picking out clothes to donate and when I was done, I felt like I accomplished something. But then I thought about buying new clothes, and realized that I'd probably be buying the same styles of the ones I just donated. Because styles are generally... the same. Or more like, my taste in clothes.. is generally the same. And then I thought, man, how many more times in my life will this happen. How many more times will I have to cook my dinner, wash the dishes, vacuum the carpet, clean the bathrooms.... All of a sudden the life ahead of me seemed so daunting. I still have another 60 some years to go... God willing. I've only lived 23.

Is life just about keeping ourselves entertained? our minds off the grind of daily routine?

God, I need your help. I don't want to despise life, which is a gift!

Psalm 63:3

Because your love is better than life, my lips will glorify you.

God, your love is BETTER than life. It's your LOVE, it's you God - better than life itself. Draw me close to you.

In the mind of a girl

So it seems that all my classmates keep talking about marriage, weddings, and babies! But who am I kidding, even if they weren't talking about this ---- I'd totally be thinking about these things in my head (I cannot say if it is a good or bad thing, though... probably I should not be thinking so much about it right now).

On the very upside, I've been hanging out with my classmates a lot!! I am so thankful that God opened up opportunities for hangouts and conversations. God's timing is the best timing. I still remember in September how I got upset at not having enough time to spend with them.

A Song

I look around and see my wonderful life
Almost perfect from the outside
In picture frames I see my beautiful wife
Always smiling
But on the inside, I can hear her saying...

“Lead me with strong hands
Stand up when I can't
Don't leave me hungry for love
Chasing dreams, what about us?

Show me you're willing to fight
That I'm still the love of your life
I know we call this our home
But I still feel alone”

I see their faces, look in their innocent eyes
They're just children from the outside
I'm working hard, I tell myself they'll be fine
They're in independent
But on the inside, I can hear them saying...

“Lead me with strong hands
Stand up when I can't
Don't leave me hungry for love
Chasing dreams, but what about us?

Show me you're willing to fight
That I'm still the love of your life
I know we call this our home
But I still feel alone”

So Father, give me the strength
To be everything I'm called to be
Oh, Father, show me the way
To lead them
Won't You lead me?

To lead them with strong hands
To stand up when they can't
Don't want to leave them hungry for love,
Chasing things that I could give up

I'll show them I'm willing to fight
And give them the best of my life
So we can call this our home
Lead me, 'cause I can't do this alone

Father, lead me, 'cause I can't do this alone

by

Sanctus Real

Old entries

So it is an amazing thing to go through old journals and read them...
an even more amazing thing... reading through my old xanga entries from high school years to early sophomore year of college.

http://clevermelon.xanga.com/

God Gives, God Takes Away

It is God who decides to give good gifts to his children. It is also God who decides to take things away, for whatever reason. So even though something that started out good, and even God-given, can end up being taken away by God.

Abraham got a son, Isaac. It was no doubt a miracle, a gift from God. It was a good thing. It made sense in accordance with God's promises to him. And then one day God asks Abraham to sacrifice his son, his only son, Isaac. And scripture does not even mention Abraham's feelings/thoughts, it simply says that he went and did it. He understood that it is ultimately God who gives and God who takes away.

God, help me to have that kind of faith. Help me to trust in you in this way God.

Les Conte de Fées

Last summer on missions, we had a night when we went onto the rocks by the lake fill. I remember it was night time, so the sky was dark, Chicago in the distance was a mush of small lights, and the waves were crashing against the rocks. I laid down on one of the rocks. I listened and stared at the stars... some I had to squint to see because light pollution is pretty bad. As I laid there, the line that kept coming to my head was --- come away with me tonight from the song by norah jones - which was weird. God serenaded me that night?

anyhoo, right now, that song is stuck in my head.
come away with me tonight...

come away with me
and we'll kiss on a mountaintop
come away with me
and i'll never stop loving you

--

A couple of weeks ago, I watched the movie Enchanted (again) This time, I actually really liked it. It was a very stressful week -- I watched that movie TWICE within that week! and it literally brought joy to my heart. Maybe there is that hope in every one of us that -- that kind of innocence and naivete can still exist -- that not everything has to be seen through cynical eyes. My favorite part is when Nancy walks into the house and finds Giselle in a bath towel on top of Robert in his apt. She is furious and walks out. Afterwards Robert is angry and his conversation with Giselle goes like this --

Robert: You have created a completely unnecessary problem with Nancy that I now have to resolve. See the fact is I was just getting ready to take a very serious step forward.... A proposal, actually.

Giselle: (very happy) Oh!

Robert: Well, now she's got it in her mind that you and I...

Giselle: (gasped and exclaims bewildered) KISSED?!

Robert: (not knowing how to respond) uhhh.... yeah, something like that.

Giselle: (deeply sorry and sad) Oh no... (thinks a bit and says excitedly) You should sing to her!

Robert: Sing to her?

Giselle: And maybe that would reassure her of your affections! You need to rush to her side and hold her in your arms and then pour your heart out in a beautiful ballad. And then she'll know for sure.

=) I think true love is always like a fairy tale.

And we desire true love like that... but it is only the heart aches and the break ups and the pains that kill our hopes. and the more we live in the "real world" we begin to harden our hearts... and suddenly fairy tales are just that... fairy tales... they don't exist... when truly, deep down, we wish they did.

well, I do.

--

I remember in G.K. Chesterton's book, Orthodoxy, he mentions something about fairy tales and how fairy tales always intrigue us, humans. I must go and re-read it.

Cinderella - is my favorite since childhood. And I truly think, it has played such a huge part in my childhood that it has shaped me into who I am today.

Beauty and the Beast - is my second favorite, very very close second to Cinderella. This one too, has shaped me.

--

My mom also just told me that when I was young (when we lived in NY), there was one time when my dad was making milk for Chrissy to drink but he was mixing in water with the milk (to dilute it and "save" the milk -- even though we got the milk on food stamps because we qualified for welfare)... so when I was standing in the kitchen and saw that I said to him, "dad, don't mix water with the milk, if you do chrissy won't like it and she won't drink it". And to that, he slapped me, and my mom said I had a bruised face for a while, and he barely missed my eye.

=\ I do not remember... but I also suppress bad memories.
I'm sure that has shaped me too.

Les Larmes

Des larmes coulent sur ma joue.
Il me manque.

Mon Dieu, aide-moi s'il vous plaît.

Battle

Need to keep fighting.

Don't let my love grow cold

I'm calling out, light the fire again
Don't let my vision die
I'm calling out, light the fire again

I am here to buy gold
refined in the fire
Naked and poor
Wretched and blind I come
Clothe me in white
So I won't be ashamed
Lord, light the fire again

Thoughts of a 23 year old

I think a lot about things and I can easily get caught up in my own dream world, in my own thoughts. God, please take captive every thought that I have and make it obedient to you.

First thought, I've been thinking about marriage and what that would look like. Though this may sound weird, I think marriage is like teamwork. Two people with one mission, two people wanting to do everything they can to help each other give glory to God and point others to Christ. And it would be good if the husband and wife share similar interests so they can enjoy the same things like music or theatre or art or just lounging around in front of the TV.

I am not sure who I will marry in the future and I don't think I need to know right now... but in my heart, there is one person. It's sort of strange and this thought I've kind of carried loosely with me for two years. I never really thought very hard about it because it seems a bit far fetched. But yesterday, I did - I cannot discern if this is truly from God or if it is just my own fancy, and my own thoughts getting carried away.... It's a secret I locked up in my heart - I think I've learned that over the years (thought it is a very difficult lesson because I cannot hide things well, especially things that I am excited about). But I know there are some things that should not be shared until the right time. Like a pregnant mother will never share that she's pregnant until it's past the first trimester. Because before that, so many uncertain variables can come in the way - so I am certain of that at least- right now there are too many variables. Right now is not the time for me to think about marriage yet - I'm still being refined and purified so that I can go into that stage of my life well. Right now, I need to be humbled always.

Second thought, I love Chicago. I have clinic at the northwestern hospital in downtown every Monday and Wednesday. I absolutely love walking through the tall larger-than-life buildings and feeling brilliant and absolutely alive. I don't know how it makes me feel that way. I don't even have that many memories from this city because I don't spend enough time down here. But I am super excited because I will forge those memories when I get married. And I will spend time in the museums, the CSO, the lyric opera, etc with someone who I will spend the rest of my life with. So I hope he likes Chicago.

On Saturday I took a big exam - the qualifying exam. Aside from being super stressful, I was able to spend time with a classmate. I invited her to sleepover and so we could study together. :) It's actually her birthday tomorrow so I will bake some cheesecake cups tonight. We bonded over the fact that our grandparents escaped communism and we're the first generation college grads of our families. She's also the oldest of three sisters. It was cool. I shared my faith and how I was searching in high school. Her response was... "louisa, I can't believe you researched church!" So I told her, "you'd do the same thing if you were trying to figure out whether or not it was true..."

(third thought) So after the exam, I thought, well now I can be stress-free and zone out and just plop on my bed to nap. But oddest thing when I came home was, I didn't go to bed. Instead the thought in my head was, God telling me, ministry doesn't stop. You are tired and you want to sleep but there are people that need ministering to. I thought about HPC in Louisiana and how the interns there never really stopped serving. And they served with a lot of joy. (I do understand rest. And that our souls need resting.) But on Saturday, God was challenging me to go more, to stretch myself more. So I did that. Made dinner for a friend, who is currently going through a tough time, and I thought it would just be us two and it would be a chill time, but no. - she had met a homeless woman earlier that day so she brought her along to dinner as well. It was a lesson on flexibility and availability and generosity for me that night. And I thank God for allowing me to be a part of that.

I have an exam tomorrow in Electrophys. I need to study for it after Pathologies class.

Learning Mode

In studying for the qualifying exams, I have a newfound joy in learning. And I love learning about audiology :)

Thanks God for this motivation!!

A note into the future

that I love Joshua Radin's songs

I loooooove the music, his voice, his compositions

:) I can fall asleep to them

I hope when I'm 50, I'll come upon this entry or something, that'll remind me of him. Then I'll listen to his songs and it'll bring me back to this time, 23, graduate school, spring time, learning about ABRs, writing a chapter summary.

Grieve mourn and wail

As I fasted from everything but fruits and veggies, I realized why people used to wear sack cloth and ashes when they were repenting before God. I wanted to eat meat/bread/cheese so badly but I couldn't. The thought that crossed my mind was - I am deliberately abstaining from satisfying mon gout. And by doing this, I was taking away from myself something that I delighted in. So with this fast, it wasn't so much the hunger that was difficult. (I mean, I was definitely hungry but I was able to eat an apple or a banana). But it was like a dark cloud hung over me every time I thought about eating and how I couldn't eat certain things that I was craving. And in that way, it reminded me of grieving.

When a person grieves and mourns, everything is gray. Nothing has taste or color. And I saw clearly for the first time why God says, "GRIEVE, MOURN and WAIL" (James 4:9) to mean repentance. It is not just feeling bad or saying sorry. But it is literally, spending time in mourning. The grief - as a result of realizing that what I had done has taken the brightness, the joy, and the gout of life away - because it separates me from the light of the world.

My delight is in the Lord. And by taking away some food, I am reminded again, that my delight and joy in life comes seulement from the Lord.

Ezekiel 24:16 - 17
I am understanding this again -

You Bring Restoration

You've taken my pain
called me by a new name
You've taken my shame
and in it's place, You give me joy

You take mourning and turn it into dancing
You take weeping and turn it into laughing
You take mourning and turn it into dancing
You take my sadness and turn it into joy

...You bring restoration to my soul

- David Brymer

This song has brought healing to my soul :)
Yes, God calls me by a new name

Names have been very important to me this past couple of weeks again. Names of God are important.